| What, have I done this before? |
[Oct. 20th, 2009|08:25 pm] |
So explain to me,
This feeling I feel.
As if something was lost,
That had yet to be real.
Why should I!,
Cater to any pain?
There was no emotion,
Or a loss to a gain.
But I know those eyes,
And their pity I felt.
I did not look hurt.
But I felt I missed out. |
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| Random modnaR |
[Aug. 7th, 2009|01:04 pm] |
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I tripped on my own words 'cause my vision was blurred when my eyes got obscured watching your little lies with wings, they fly and they sting but like a diamond ring they're just for looks but they're an empty book with no good story, just fake glory that you can keep to help you sleep and shut out the truths that weep in the darkest hours, quieting the weeping flowers. |
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| Sometimes there is no line between freinds and enemies. |
[Jun. 5th, 2009|05:37 pm] |
So don't tell me lies.
I can't hear anyone's cries.
I don't decide for you.
I let the truth guide truth.
It isn't fair to declare,
That I didn't care or was unaware.
My mind was always there...
I'm always near in thought and soul.
I told you all and never said no...
And for what I say and do,
For you it goes through as arrogant and untrue.
So screw you in the end.
I don't need this kind of friend. |
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| How, i really wouldn't care but I dare and I dare.... |
[May. 14th, 2009|09:58 pm] |
How?, I trusted her smile.
How?, I fell in denial.
How?, I wanted to believe,
That she, like all,
Could be for me.
How?, I wasted my mind.
How?, I wasted the time.
How?, I really wanted to care,
For her, for all,
Even though they're never there.
And how?, It always ends the same.
How?, Everything I try ends in vain.
How?, I just want to feel good,
For her, for me, like all,
And to be understood.
How? It may not even be important... |
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| Its confusing at the beginning but it wont make sense if it wasnt. |
[Mar. 25th, 2009|10:28 pm] |
A story i cant tell... a story i can tell, but no ears to hear em. No minds to understand them. It isn't being confused anymore, its being misunderstood. It isnt at a loss of words, Its about choosing words decisively. You can't understand me if I can't understand myself. I've gotten to the point of understanding myself, im not confused, but im still not understood. I'm changelled, im questioned, I listen, I respond, Im misunderstood, Im then insulted, and then its supposedly all okay... but its not forgotten.
Its isnt as funny as it can be though, before it was hard to laugh at nothing and now it seems too easy to laugh at anything. The lines are blurred, really blurred. Im sure i've been on either line at times but its hard to tell what side im on these days. It isnt a porduct of growing up though, as if we reach these understandings of life when were older, Its somerthing thats always been there.
When i was young I was bombarded with knowing myself i didnt challenge what was around me. I challenged my limits and i got hassled for that for when i challenged my limits I unkowingly challeneged what was around me. When i did get through the painful years of knowing what i can do and what i do compared to you I then started challenging what was around me. ANd it was then, when I stopped questioning myself and started questioning my world was when i started to be misunderstood and realized that the same people who misunderstood me and took offense to me were the same as those who hassled me when i was young for not knowing what i was doing.
When i challenge my limits, i for some reason challenge other peoples limits, and that offends them. Its not because we get older that we grow complications and misunderstandings. I got hassled when young for questioning shit because people didn't like me acting out of order, doing things they dont do because they believe its not right to do but they had a problem or just didn't explain that to me.
People misunderstand me and get upset because I dont look at things the way they do. Its hard to understand that growing up in life that your mind is influenced strongly by the society around you for even questioning that makes them feel like they're not important as you because they didnt realize that. We all have our own perceptions that are very different but its beyond that. Its an idea that gets knocked away because it doesnt settle with your perception of the way things are. Even if you dont realize that your perception of things changes yearly, cause it does.
So i suppose my complaint is, now that im not confused, but just misunderstood, how do I translate my kinda view that there is no one real view but not that everything shouldn't be taken seruiously but rather everything should be taken seriously. That misunderstanding me is alright at first because its a foreign idea to many peoples thoughts but constant denial and then allowing that misunderstanding to anger you and get upset by someone elses idea isn't right. It should be investigated. I cant tell a person that there not right, that there way of thinking isnt the way to go. No ones persons thoughts is better than the next. But they are stuck in believing there thoughts are higher than anothers.
So how can i play the "Theres more than one perception" card when they play, "There is only one perception of things" I was a confused kid and now misunderstood kid having trouble with someone who aswell was a confused kid and now misunderstood. were the same people on the same line fighting each other when we could both be right, but in the end both believe only one can be right when the other stops his belief and believes his own.
Theres too much to know and i wont ever say i know more than what is known, but I know other things, i know the side of things others don't. Others know the side of things i dont. Its hard to believe in the things we don't see but there's endless things we dont see everyday. |
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| Yet again, i can't escape what is always there. |
[Mar. 2nd, 2009|04:42 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Zero7 - In the waiting line | ] |
So fun comes my way once again, random as usual. One day im just looking for ways to start the next, and then another day someone comes in to your life (or back Into your life in my case) and all that seemed down started looking up again. Gloom became Happy again. I got to talk and enjoy pleasant conversation with an elegant face once again. Smiles, laughter, flirting, web cam chatting. All was good and seemed just fine. What could go wrong?....
In a world of a million probabilities, anything of course can happen. Paths get detoured all the time. My paths have yet to cease in it's constant off road detours. Another beautiful face, Another inevitable goodbye. So, as I am reacquainting myself with a lost treasure i find out its already being opened by someone else. As i waste my time exploring the value of the treasure someone else is splurging on it. And who am i in this scenario, as much as i can read from the hints, which can vary in meaning, im just a friend. A family friend in which the thought of sexually or intimately would be almost incestful thinking even if it ain't anywhere near it.
What am I to do? How am I to respond? Her interest lies elsewhere. If i try to compete I might come off perverted or most likely, as history repeats itself, I would be given the "i see you as a friend, I'm sure you'll find someone" pity speech. Oh yay. And as much as these thoughts are being allowed to keep me awake and pain me it can all be for nothing and i have over thought the situation and everything turns out great and I finally get what i want, to be happy not just with myself but with someone else aswell for once. But that's hard to believe when it has never happened... only in the movies...
Another moment in depression. Have to have atleast one a year. :)
Alex N. |
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| Still here living quere (but not the gay way!!) |
[May. 25th, 2008|08:20 pm] |
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So, im still here in Ribeira Quente doing whatever comes my way, which is both the good and the trouble. My mind has gone back and forth as to what the hell im doing here. Some days im here to enjoy and the others im losing my mind, but thats nothing ñew to my life i suppose. I wish my mind remained content with what i have or where i am and especially who i am. In the end maybe i should forget what my heart needs or what my mind wants and learn to focus on whats important and live for just that. Forget the loves and the joys and slave myself for an effort thats woth it, i suppose. In the end i suppose i am enjoying it here, i got a nice tan, my portuguese has progresed a little, i,ve made some friends and have gotten to enjoy the town of my parents birth. Why shuld i ask for anything more except better portuguese? well, back to my world of enjoyment... .... |
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| Posting... Posting... Posting from portugal!!!!! (sounds of lazers and fireworks) |
[Apr. 30th, 2008|11:54 pm] |
Hey all who is mostly me :D Chillin back in Sao Miguel of the Acores. Thought i´d take the chance to say leave a post here as i only have such a rare chance to do so in portugal. Well not so rare at the moment seeing as i´ll be here for another two months. Good times!!! well not completely. My severly wounded portuguese has hindered me from talking to the locals who either knows my father or is my cousin but i dont know who as no one dares to question me here. Ah lonliess how you never cease to follow me :)But all is well, i have not sunk into any deep deppression and my hopes dont seem to falter (or raise)
I´ve learned that I am me no matter where I be. Thats good i guess, i keep my good morals and intincts despite those who think i have none. The locals here are defenitly not too different from those in toronto as western societies influence has affected the many here. Genos, Bimbos,Gays(but not lesbians, i love them so where as a guy who takes it up the ass is giving apart of themselves away and thats not natural)no gangsters, so thats cool but the genos are arrogant and not too far from the same mentallity. Well i´ve written enough, not enough to kill this long boring hour on the net but enough for me. Tuda loos...heh. :) |
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| I wont take light of this night, but i might chukkle |
[Mar. 30th, 2008|04:20 am] |
So i take down another two shots of tequilka and liquid cocaine and they hit, they hit my stomach hard with an echo. My first thought, i know i have a fucked up stomach from early young hood drinking, so i need to do sumthing fast or the liqour in my stomach is going out and the night would truly suck if i wasnt drunk for it.
So i manage my way to the washroom and head straight for the urinal incase i vomit but piss instead, i dont really remember wut was the first thought. I zip up remembering that i might vomit if i dont do sumthin. I need water. I didnt know it would work so well. I headed for the sink and filled my palm a couple of times for sips. The first sip of water instantly made me feel better so the ones after just made feel more good each time, so while i was there infront of the mirror taking healthy sips i thought about how funny it would look if i was leaning against the stall with my eyes squinted and my hand rubbing my stomach as if i really did get trashed...
So, while im trying that someone comes by to wash his hands and takes one look at me while i was pretendin and thot exactly what i was faking to do and just went with it "yah man, i fucken drank too much, ohhhh." he felt sorry and left and i looked into the mirror acting normal and just laughed at what i accidently did. fooling random strangers is surely fun. funny thing tho is that this story was only 5 minutes of a whole night of crazy events, so much i couldnt fill one post with it. so much bad shit happened but at the i had so much fun that i just dont know how to look at today... Was it good? was it bad? It was defenbitly a moment and if its a moment i can always look back at and laugh and tell people about, then i guess it was good, hmm, who know? :D |
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| Escasping my mind like a monkey on a vine |
[Jan. 12th, 2008|02:22 am] |
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The days still exist and with me in it, so im forced to live with my tormenting thoughts. All meaning I may have held onto has become quite meaningless which makes leaving to portugal by myself for awhile that much easier. No true best friend whose adventures with i would be postponing or missing out on. No woman whose days would be filled with smiles, sillines and and deep conversation by my company. No job that thrills me or makes me passionate about what i do. No ambition to thrive on and push me forward to a a true goal or accomplishment. And I have no life that I'll be interrupting with my vacancy. So in the end nothing will change and I can return to where I left off when I come back. |
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| Back for the fact that i have an idea for a tat |
[Oct. 26th, 2007|05:08 am] |
Alrights, i needs your opinion, i just drew this on myself now for an idea of what next tat to get. now because i drew this so spontaneously (but always had the idea) i wonder if to do the tat exactly as i drew it as you see in this pic or to have a rose professionaly drawn like that. I'm in serious need of a new tattoo.. :D
:D :P
*UPDATE*
I just noticed after posting this entry that for those wondering, lol, yes, thats my bros arm crashed out on the couch. :D |
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| Insanities next victim. Welcome to my animosity of a mind. |
[Oct. 14th, 2007|02:12 am] |
Just trying to spill my mind, Been a while since i've felt for writing. I cant really remember why it stopped. I've been in a hell of a depressed daze lately. Not sure if i just am or if im putting myself in this daze. I have been like this many times before and so is this me? Or is it me fooling myself again. It has alot to do with me wanting some kind of compensation for how I feel, the past 4 months have been such hell and i have gotten nothing back for it. Its just not fair that i get the painful end of all things and in return no outlet to let off on, no retribution for myself, no real reason as to why, no pity for my sorrow, no compensation for how i feel. When do i get my day, when do things just work without the work? When do things just flow?... ..if theres everyone for someone then wheres mine?... ..man things seem shitty when they arent.I deserved better. I deserve something, some escape, some seperate reality, some kind of home away from home or atleast let me just be greatful and shut up. I dont care, i just want something else instead of this nothing, countless days, wasted days, meaningless days, useful becoming useless days. It's so hard to let myself go when i cant figure out what im lettig go of what to let go.. god, im so insane.. I hate these weird confusing entryies, like my drawings i just dont understand what im putting down, why im putting it down, or what it means. anyhoot, thats enough..
Alex... |
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| Major MAker - Rollercoaster Lyrics |
[Jul. 29th, 2007|04:04 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Major Maker - rollercoaster | ] |
"I'm a rollercoaster turnin' round,
you look me up when im upside down,
turn on my juke box follow me,
we go together endlessly
We roller skate on the boulavard,
All the fancy people in their fancy cars,
We`ll watch the waves crashing in
I see the stars sparkle on your skin
Take you on my ferris wheel,
On this avenue,
Let me take you by the hand,
Cast a spell on you
I'm a rollercoaster turnin' round,
you look me up when im upside down,
turn on my juke box follow me,
we go together endlessly
Kissing on the board walk after dark,
Sit and watch the fire works in the park.
I will be your waterfall
Spilling in your sky
A bit of romance every time we dance,
Magic light in your hair on the avenue
I'm a rollercoaster turnin' round,
you look me up when im upside down,
turn on my juke box follow me,
we go together endlessly (x2)
Waoh, Waoh, Waoh, Waoh" |
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| The betrayel and obtosity of need and want. |
[Apr. 7th, 2007|03:03 pm] |
Meeting up to chill with a chick is like a story for me and I wish it would be for women aswell or atleast for them to get that thats why i'm aiming for aswell, i dont like to skip through to the end of the book and spoil the ending for me.
For instance, theres the Introduction, the "Hello's" and "How are ya's" and after a while we learn of a plot with a kiss. As the story plays itself out, my hand thickens the plot by placing it upon her and we drive that plot till we find a climax. And after, when all stories are done, there is a resolution, with the "Hey, you good?" and the "Ya, you alright?" The best stories are the ones with several plots and climaxs.
Now how do you get it across to a girl you wanna have sex but gradually not right off the bat, strip off the clothes, wild night of passion every single time and not sound like a wuss for feelin that way or like a perv for just wanting it every time. So in short, how would i go about having gradual sex all the time instead strip off your clothes wild boar sex just every here and there.
I dont know, but i guess i'll figure it out eventually, i somehow do. (sigh)
Night all
Alex N. Cidade |
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